Repentance

I think the word repentance is misunderstood. Repentance doesn't mean to just change yourself. I can change what cereal I eat in the morning, but that is not repentance. Repentance is light; more specifically-the light of Christ. When you seek repentance, you let Christ in.
I think its like your heart is the home of your soul. There are closets in your heart that are locked shut, and rooms that are very dark, and maybe your home in general is somewhat dark. When Christ comes in, he is a light. He illuminates the mess. It can be painful to see the mess all lit up, even embarrassing. He helps you to see it and to clean it up. It is very difficult sometimes and can hurt to throw away some of the junk, but it is also very relieving. You might even have to knock down some walls, where you didn't realize you had things hiding. As you are working to clean your soul, you will be more able to work on your actions (I think actions are like the outward display of whatever is in your heart). As you work, you become something better. In the end it makes your heart lighter :) and happier. It's much easier to have a glad and thankful heart when you're working with Christ to clean your heart and hands. Your clean soul shines and sparkles, it feels good, it feels glad, you know how beautiful you truly are, because you can see it. Other people can see it, too. It shines in your countenance, from your smile, and your eyes.
However, if Christ illuminates the mess, and you aren't feeling ready to look at the mess, you shrink, you hide, you push Him away and say he's mean or being too hard on you. I think this is where repentance gets a bad name. Sometimes, I push him away, but He always comes again, when I'm ready to listen, when my heart is softer.
Christ won't make you change. In fact, the feelings that light brings to your heart are NOT guilt (Guilt is more like the sorrowing of the damned, wishing you could be happy in the mess, and your kinda mad you can't!) The feelings light brings are more like a gentle nudge that says "Will you?"... It's like a choice is being put before you and you can chose to take it or you can turn away and pretend you never noticed. If you turn away enough, I think it gets harder to say "yes", it gets harder to even hear the voice calling. But He is always calling, and we hear Him when our hearts are feeling open and then we chose. We may not even recognize HE is the voice, but He brings the light that makes our lives clearer and He guides us to know how we can make things right, and put our hearts back in order. When you work on the really dark rooms, the harder stuff, you definitely know you are working with Christ... that's why groups like AA have to use terms like "higher power", because you just can't do it without Him, there really is no denying it... (as Amulek would probably tell us).
He doesn't do it all at once. It's a life long process. Someday, we will stand before the Lord. I believe in that day our hearts will be fully illuminated and if there is anything left undone, we will shrink before the Lord, the worse the mess is the more embarrassed we will be (We will want to hide). But if we have worked with Christ to clean our hearts... the best we could, He will make sure we are prepared to withstand the light of the judgment day.
I don't fully understand the atonement, but somehow it gave Christ the power to reach into our hearts and show us what areas of our soul need some TLC.
So there you have it... my thoughts on repentance and light; and the joy and peace it brings to the heart, soul, and mind.

Homeschooling the Browns?

I've been thinking a lot about homeschooling. I don't know if I will do it yet, but I just keep coming up with ideas. I've been doing little workbooks with Emma and just doing other general learning activities. If Eric and I move to California, I will probably have to, but it is really hard to do there, they are not education friendly in California. I have started recording our daily activities, so I can be ready to record what we do in our school someday.
My thoughts on homeschooling are extensive. The biggest reason I want to homeschool is because I feel like the Lord gave me these beautiful children and I want to teach and train them to live in the world, I don't want someone else to take that experience from me. It almost sickens me to think of giving my children to some else to take care of during the day. They are my divine burden and I want to except the responsibility of preparing them to live in the world. The worst reason to homeschool is, of course, the social aspect. I want my kids to make friends and be able to work with people outside of our family. I wish my kids could just go to school for recess, sports, and other activities, but I want to teach them all the good stuff at home or with homeschool groups! I'm so excited to teach my kids what a wondrous place the world is.